A Break, But From What?
by Vanitha Sankaran
This issue is the first one since flashquake's inception that I have not participated in. Sometime before the beginning of the Spring reading period, our publisher, Debi, came to me and asked, "Do you want a break?" In truth, I didn't want one. In truth, I needed one. Between increasing hours and travel at work, moving to a new house (and getting the old one ready to sell!), and putting the finishing touches on what I hope will be the final draft of my first novel, I was running out of hours in the day. And being an editor at flashquake is not an easy job. As with most journals, it involves wading through a slew of good-start-but-not-quite-theres to mulling over the this-almost-works-but...s to agonizing over the this-is-great-but-not-great-enoughs to find the sparkling pieces that come together just perfectly — well, you can imagine the work involved. Plus, I didn't want to just give cursory comments after a quick read. That does no service to our readers or our writers. So, I took a break from editing.
And then I took a break from writing.
Followed by a break from rewriting.
I even took a break from reading.
Now I sit, three months later, somewhat caught up with the other demands in my life. I have small chunks of time each day to write. It turns out I don't want to. Really, the dishes need to be done. And laundry. Then I have boxes to unpack. And what about my dog-she's been an angel through this rough period. Doesn't she deserve another romp on the beach?
I'm sure you're all shaking your heads and telling me, "You know what this is. This is writer's procrastination." Yes it is. Of course I know that. I've gotten through it before. You think that helps me get past it now? Okay, maybe it does. I know I've got to just throw myself into it. So picked up a book and started to read. It was okay, for a few minutes. Too bad I sat outside, next to my philodendron who was looking a little droopy. It's the plant's fault, I swear! He needed water. And love. And a little pruning. Then a lot more love. Sigh.
The next time, I read while I was waiting for my doctor's appointment. I went early, just to be sure I would have time to get into the book. And it was good, really good. The words started to speak to me. Images coalesced and moved in my imagination. I could write like this. I used to write like this. That night, I took out a pad and wrote till I had nothing left to say. Then I read what I wrote. It was terrible. Terribly awful. It was absolute shit. I threw it out. And took out the garbage. How had it gotten so bad? Not that I usually write perfectly by any means. But I haven't written anything this lousy since I was in grade school. Yikes!
Still, a faithful writer is a strict disciplinarian and I can be that if I have to. So I've been writing every day. The prose hasn't got much better, but it hasn't got worse. And in the meantime, I've started renewing my friendships with other writers, interacting in workshops, and offering to critique pieces. Wouldn't you know some of them actually trusted their words to my care? Little did they know. In fact, it turns out, little did I know. That's when it hit me--editing other works has actually improved my own writing, to the point, at least, where I don't dread sitting down with my pen and notebook. It's something I had known once but forgotten. I need flashquake just as much as it needs writers and editors. We are all part of one symbiotic, messy chaos that seems to work in fits and starts but when it works, boy does it really.
Starting this month I will be editing for flashquake again. I am going to enjoy seeing what works and what doesn't, and trying to understand why. If I've learned anything from my sabbatical from the writing life, it's that writers aren't just writers. We are writers and rewriters, dreamers and poets, editors and nitpickers. For me, I need to be all of that in order to function at my best. So thank you all for trusting your work to me, and to the rest of us here at flashquake. I will do my best to share helpful thoughts on it.