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I see the scene over and over again in my mind, but I make up a different ending.
I can do that. It's allowed.
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't change a thing, but it does make me feel better to think I can change the ending. Then it occurs to me, if I can change the ending, why didn't God change it?
Trouble is, there is never an ending, is there? The story just goes on and on. I have to wonder about the point of all this, I mean is it just telling the story? Or is there an actual point?
I have a notebook filled with questions for God. I hope someday to have my shot. Inquiring minds want to know. I don't expect any definitive answers, and I can always change the ending. In my head.
They were young, I was stupid and they were bigger than me. Size does matter, after all. I stay big now, because when you are big they can't get you. I was caught by the river on a phantom planet in the middle of a lonely day. In my ending the doves eat them. They pick at their gizzards.
But the river flows on, washing away with it my fantasy ending.
In reality, I am left with the rocks exposed. Sometimes the mirror even shows the ones that are buried deep. I don't like looking at those; they are sharp and ragged and I'm afraid they will cut me.
Damage control. It's all about damage control. I pick another ending.
The stars go blue and I can't see through the shadow. They want more than they can take but I won't let them have it. It is a tug of war but I won't let them have it. I hide deep and when they are done the eagle finds them and dashes them on the rocks. The fish nibble their livers.
And the river flows on.
I remember breathing and the pulse of my own heartbeat mingling with the current of blood. Inflamed senses with no release and a sense of shame burning like the white light of the sun. My inner core is mine and I hold on to that with a dogged embrace.
I huddle into a ball and feel strong arms around me and a voice telling me it is all right; it will be all right and the lie beats at my ears like they were drums. I want to hear a song of vengeance, but know the cost is more than I can bear. So, I make up a different ending and note another question for God.
Inquiring minds want to know.
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