Depression — that giant funnel smooth and slick — waits near the clock for me on New Year's Eve. I've chilled a perfect cluster of plump, white grapes, twelve exactly, for the midnight count. Have I really botched another relationship? Oh yes, I'm alone with the funnel and its sucking black hole at the bottom. Me and D in a standoff, a still life with grapes.

Waiting for the change from old to new, for the arrival of January — named for Janus the two faced god that looks backward to endings and forward to beginnings — I vow there will be no more beginnings! Dangling the grapes above my face I gaze at grandfather clock until his hands click straight up in prayer position.

First gong, I lift my chin and bite the terminal grape from the perfect dozen, a crisp, explosive orb of sweetness and count, ONE. One burst and broken heart. TWO? Two empty arms, bare stems. THREE years to cultivate a new relationship. FOUR. A crisp, clean family shriveled on the vine. FIVE perfect relationships gone sour. SIX stages of fermentation. SEVEN hours till dawn; won't I die before sunrise? EIGHT years of therapy, an aging raisin, counselors plucking and plucking. NINE new solutions to the power of TEN. ELEVEN? Clutch the rim and hold on. TWELVE, the tastiest orb on the branching vine; leaves a dozen stems with torn bits of greenish protoplasm clinging. How tragic those naked remains, the severance pain.

Ah, the ceremony's over. I can let go and slide. Down, down the funnel like a fine vintage wine. Much to look forward to, going down with D.

Diana Renfro writes about women and their reationships. She was writer-in-residence at Headlands Center for the Arts in Sausalito, CA, in Spring 2002. Her story, "Missing," was published in Racing Home, New Stories by Award Winning North Carolina Writers. A novel, Spanish Doors, is represented by Sally Hill McMillan & Associates, Literary Agency. One essay, "A Writer's Retreat," is available for reading currently online in archives at www.georgiagetaway.com. A travel article, "A Road Trip through the North Carolina Highlands," may be read at www.northcarolina.com.

Copyright 2002 by Diana Renfro

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