|
 |
| Cast: |
MAN
WOMAN
MAIL CARRIER |
| SCENE 1.1 |
(Lights up on a MAN digging in a flowerbed. HE has been at it for awhile and is working on hands and knees, exhausted. HE digs in with a trowel and removes a large rock from the dirt. His arm sinks into the hole up to the shoulder. HE rises) |
| MAN: |
What the hell? |
| |
(HE prods the ground around the hole. It seems fine. HE digs around the hole a little more.) |
| MAN: |
Honey! Hon! Come here! You need to see this! Bring a flashlight! |
| |
(WOMAN enters.) |
| WOMAN: |
What do you want? I couldn't find a flashlight that worked. |
| MAN: |
Look at this hole! (HE pokes his arm back in) |
| WOMAN: |
Very nice, dear. Big hole. Nice rock too. I'll be inside if you need me to applaud when you find a big stick. |
| MAN: |
I didn't dig this! |
| WOMAN: |
Fine, then. Fill it in. I want to plant some bulbs in here. |
| MAN: |
Don't you think it's odd? |
| WOMAN: |
It's a hole! And a rock! I'm not impressed! |
| MAN: |
I bet it goes somewhere. |
| WOMAN: |
China, no doubt. |
| MAN: |
I'm serious! |
| WOMAN: |
It's probably an old well, sealed over. |
| MAN: |
With a rock? I bet it's a secret passage. |
| WOMAN: |
So go down there. |
| MAN: |
You go down there. |
| WOMAN: |
You found it! You want to know where it goes! I don't care! |
| MAN: |
Well then, neither do I. |
| WOMAN: |
Fine. |
| MAN: |
Fine. (beat) I want to know where it goes. |
| WOMAN: |
Okay, then go! I'm not stopping you! |
| MAN: |
What if I get hurt? What if this is a lair for something? |
| WOMAN: |
Take the trowel. |
| MAN: |
So if something attacks me, I can trowel it to death? |
| WOMAN: |
If something in a big hole under our flowerbed attacks you, I
don't think it's going to matter. |
| MAN: |
That's just great. You'd let me die! |
| WOMAN: |
Then fill it in and forget about it! |
| MAN: |
Fine. |
| WOMAN: |
Fine. (SHE exits.) |
| (HE makes sure she is gone, then puts the garden tools in a pile. He takes a deep breath and puts one foot in the hole, like testing the water in a pool. He puts himself over the hole and lowers down. His whole body disappears. |
| SCENE 1.2 |
(Inside the house. WOMAN is on the phone.) |
| WOMAN: |
Yes, I know! I can't believe she wore that to church! (pause) I know. Did you see the vestments she made for the monsignor? It looked like a fabric store threw up on him! (pause) Yes, and
sequins! It was like Communion in Vegas or something! She tries
so hard, though. (pause) She isn't. She is? I don't believe it. |
| (MAN enters. HE is unbelievably filthy and moving in a
dreamlike way.) |
| MAN: |
I'm back. |
| WOMAN: |
(to the phone) Hang on a second. (to MAN) Back from the yard? |
| MAN: |
Back from the hole. |
| WOMAN: |
It went somewhere? (MAN takes the phone from her and hangs it
up.) |
| MAN: |
Yes. You could say it went somewhere. |
| WOMAN: |
Okay, what's the deal? |
| MAN: |
I can't express it. I'm completely inarticulate. |
| WOMAN: |
Not if you use a word like "inarticulate!" I've never heard you
say anything like that. |
| MAN: |
Maybe you aren't listening. I think I communicate rather
effectively. |
| WOMAN: |
If you say so, Mr. Webster's Dictionary. |
| MAN: |
Ridicule is no substitute for ignorance. |
| WOMAN: |
Being an ass is no substitute for explaining what's in the hole! |
| MAN: |
Look, I think that you should just stay away from it. |
| WOMAN: |
Look at you! You're filthy, spaced out, and talking like ... well, I don't know, but not like yourself. You expect me to just
forget about it? |
| MAN: |
I appreciate your compliance. (HE coughs.) |
| WOMAN: |
Do you want something to drink? |
| MAN: |
No, just a little dust, thank you. I think I'll go read a book ... after I take a shower. (HE exits.) |
| WOMAN: |
(to herself) Read a book? |
| SCENE 1.3 |
(Back outside. WOMAN is approaching the hole. SHE peers in, then pulls back. SHE gets down on her knees, looks down up to her shoulders, and sits back up. SHE looks around, and shouts softly into the hole) |
| WOMAN: |
Hel-loo? |
| (No answer.) |
| WOMAN: |
Hel-looo? |
| MAN: |
(as he enters)What are you doing? |
| WOMAN: |
Nothing. Just looking. |
| MAN: |
You shouldn't be near here. |
| WOMAN: |
You still haven't given me a single reason why I shouldn't just go down there. |
| MAN: |
Because you said you didn't care! You said you wanted to fill it in and plant bulbs! |
| WOMAN: |
That was before you acid-tripped into the house, covered in dirt, spouting ten-dollar words like they're going out of style! |
| MAN: |
Don't get so upset! |
| WOMAN: |
I think I deserve to be upset! I thought we told each other everything and here you are, hiding something from me in my own yard! |
| MAN: |
I don't want to fight about this. |
| WOMAN: |
Fine, then tell me what's going on. Is there money down there? Treasure? |
| MAN: |
(laughing and imitating a pirate) Arrrgh. No, matey. |
| WOMAN: |
Is it gross, like dead bodies or something? |
| MAN: |
Okay, look. It was something I can't describe. Really. You'll just have to go. |
| WOMAN: |
Is it scary? |
| MAN: |
Yes. But if you have to know, you have to know. |
| WOMAN: |
Should I change clothes? |
| MAN: |
The hole is not like a restaurant. It won't matter. |
| WOMAN: |
That's good, because I don't have reservations. |
| MAN: |
This is serious! Don't go down there unless you're ready for it. |
| WOMAN: |
How can I know if I'm ready if I don't know what it is? |
| MAN: |
Just go ahead. You'll see what I mean. I'll be in the house watching the game when you get back. |
| WOMAN: |
Not reading? |
| MAN: |
Nah. Game's coming on, and I gotta catch the preshow. (HE exits) |
| WOMAN: |
Back to normal. Hmm. (SHE lowers herself into the hole.) |
| SCENE 1.3 |
(Inside the house. MAN is watching baseball game. WOMAN enters with a large grapevine wreath in her hands. She is tucking the loose ends together.) |
| WOMAN: |
That was incredible! |
| MAN: |
Didn't I tell you? |
| WOMAN: |
I made this on the way back from the garden. |
| MAN: |
(inspecting the wreath) You didn't make this. You can't make things like this. You hemmed my dress pants with hot glue and staples. |
| WOMAN: |
I did make it, and now that I think about it, this room could use some new throw pillows. I think I'll get to work on that. Do you know where the sewing machine is? |
| MAN: |
Good question. |
| WOMAN: |
I think I know. Be right back. (SHE exits) |
| MAN: |
(looking at wreath) Crafts? |
| WOMAN: |
(enters) It needs thread and bobbins and I can't find either. I'm going to the craft store to get that stuff, and I think some canvas and paint too. I'm going to paint some new pictures for the bedroom. |
| MAN: |
The only thing I have ever seen you paint was your fingernails! |
| WOMAN: |
I feel . . . inspired, that's all. I'll be back. (exits) |
| MAN: |
(to himself) It's the hole! |
| SCENE 1.4: | (Outside by the hole. WOMAN has an easel set up with a canvas, but is not painting. MAN has a book but is not reading it. THEY are both staring at the hole.) |
| WOMAN: |
I got all the supplies, I paid for them, I had an idea, but by the time I got set up I just couldn't do it anymore. |
| MAN: |
I got halfway through this book, and at the time it was excellent. Now it seems too wordy and boring. |
| WOMAN: |
What happened? |
| MAN: |
It's the hole. It changes you. It made you creative and artsy. |
| WOMAN: |
It made you smart. |
| MAN: |
Hey! |
| WOMAN: |
Okay, it made you intellectual. That's what I meant. |
| MAN: |
Here's the question: Why? |
| WOMAN: |
I don't know, but I want it back. I want to paint and draw and sculpt and be fascinating. |
| MAN: |
It gives you what you want. That's it. It gives you the quality that you desire most. |
| WOMAN: |
You want to be intellectual? |
| MAN: |
Well, yeah. I want to share wise opinions on foreign policy and have people look up to me. |
| WOMAN: |
The question is, how can we make it last? |
| MAN: |
I know. I barely formed an opinion on "Military Tactics of the 18th Century" (Holds up book) before it became gibberish. |
| WOMAN: |
I painted three canvases that looked like Jackson Pollacks. Bad Jackson Pollacks. |
| MAN: |
There's a good Jackson Pollack painting? |
| WOMAN: |
After the hole, I would have said yes, and explained them to you. Now they look like a mess to me again. |
| MAN: |
Should we go back in? |
| WOMAN: |
I don't see why not. |
| MAN: |
Let's go together. |
| WOMAN: |
No way. I don't want you to get my creativity and me get your braininess. |
| MAN: |
Agreed. Do you think that would happen? |
| WOMAN: |
Did you think any of this would happen? |
| MAN: |
Touché. |
| WOMAN: |
You have to wonder what would happen to other people if they went in ... |
| MAN: |
The same things, don't you think? It would give them that temporary quality that they want. |
| WOMAN: |
And what's more profitable than giving the people what they want? |
| MAN: |
I don't think that's such a good idea. What if we wear it out? |
| WOMAN: |
Wear out a cave that changes your personality? |
| MAN: |
I agree, there's no set precedent here, but wouldn't that be a tragedy? I think we ought to keep it for us. |
| WOMAN: |
And then what? Spend our whole lives going in and out of a huge mysterious hole in our yard? The neighbors will think we are stashing bodies down there or something. |
| MAN: |
In a way, we will be, if we start sending people down there without knowing if there are side effects or anything. |
| WOMAN: |
So they sign a disclaimer. They don't have to do it if they don't want. |
| MAN: |
You would put innocent, trusting people into potentially mortal danger for a couple of bucks? |
| WOMAN: |
I wasn't saying ... |
| MAN: |
I just think it's dangerous! We don't know what's going on! Hypothetic-wise, we have no explanation, what about the cops? |
| WOMAN: |
Hypothetically, you moron. It's hypothetically. |
| MAN: |
So what, Martha Stewart. |
| WOMAN: |
Wouldn't it give people's lives some kind of direction? Show them the path to self-improvement? |
| MAN: |
It would get some people laid, that's for sure. |
| WOMAN: |
We could be the next self-help gurus! "Taste your own potential!" |
| MAN: |
Sounds like a coffee commercial. |
| WOMAN: |
How about "Meet yourself for the first time!" |
| MAN: |
Dating service. |
| WOMAN: |
"The inner you comes out for a visit?" |
| MAN: |
Sounds like you need a barf bucket! |
| WOMAN: |
Okay, we don't have to think of the title of the first book right away. |
| MAN: |
I'm not so sure we ought to make our garden the Mecca for Dr. Phil-loving, Tony Robbins-buying, infomercial-watching whiners. |
| WOMAN: |
Both Dr. Phil and Tony Robbins are filthy rich. |
| (Beat.) |
| MAN: |
Maybe we could install a path made out of stones. Nothing really intrusive. A class act all the way. |
| WOMAN: |
A wheelchair ramp, but it would have to be cement, I think. And a tent in case it rains. |
| MAN: |
Do you think we'd need safety railings in the hole? |
| WOMAN: |
It's quite possible. |
| MAN: |
This might get expensive. |
| WOMAN: |
The startup might, but I bet we'd make it all back in a few months. |
| MAN: |
Maybe I should go down and think up a business strategy. We need to try and get commercial zoning. I'll have to call city council and grease the wheels. |
| WOMAN: |
I ought to go down and draw up some blueprints. We'll need flyers too, at first. I can design a few hundred of those after I go down there, no sweat. |
| (THEY both slip into the hole, feet first.) |
| SCENE 1.5 |
(Sunrise at the hole, but things look very different. There is a roped-off maze that leads a line of people, similar to what one finds at an amusement park. There is a carpet surrounding the lip of the hole. Plastic flowers are 'planted' in the flowerbed. The sound of people talking is in the background. MAN and WOMAN enter together.) |
| MAN: |
(sips his coffee) They're back again. |
| WOMAN: |
They're here every day. I have to admit, your plan was almost too good. |
| MAN: |
I know it. That security gate became essential after word got out about the hole. |
| WOMAN: |
And my "Hole Impressions" gift shop sells out every day! My original paintings were actually called "stunning" by the owner of a modern art gallery! |
| MAN: |
I like the "My parents entered The Hole and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" shirts. |
| WOMAN: |
I can't keep those bumper stickers in stock that say "The Hole is for Lovers." |
| MAN: |
I know, I've seen people skip the hole altogether just to buy those. |
| WOMAN: |
Do you think we have time to slip in before we have to open the gates? |
| MAN: |
Sure we do. Who's going to stop us if we open a little late? |
| (THEY slide into the hole together, a few moments pass, and they come up. The WOMAN looks like she is going to cry.) |
| WOMAN: |
What's happening? |
| MAN: |
It's not happening, is that what you mean? |
| WOMAN: |
That tingle, it's not there. It didn't happen! |
| MAN: |
I have a theory . . . wait, no I don't. |
| WOMAN: |
Then it didn't happen for you either? |
| MAN: |
Honey, just relax, maybe you were too upset or something. The psychological implications of unexplained personality enhancement ... |
| WOMAN: |
It DID work for you! You lied to me! |
| MAN: |
I never actually told you one way or the other. |
| WOMAN: |
Why you and not me? Why does it choose you and not me? |
| MAN: |
I don't have the answer to that question, you know that. |
| WOMAN: |
I don't think I can let anyone in there today. I think we should close for the day. We can't have the hole rejecting people. |
| MAN: |
I think that's wise. |
| WOMAN: |
Thanks, Professor Brainypants! You totally lose your sense of humor when you go in there. It's like you get too good for everyone else. You better go read some lofty old dusty tome before you lose your intellect and become normal just like the rest of us! You know what, I don't even think you get normal! You get stupid. I said it. As far as common sense goes, you're okay, but the moment anyone mentions anything not involving sports or beer, you wither from the conversation. Sorry if I'm taking up too much of your precious brain time, Mister Mensa, but I think you've gotten a little too big for your cranium. |
| MAN: |
Of all the preposterous things! I can't help that you are jealous of my intellect! I resent your hurtful, and might I add, uncreative slanders, but I understand that your lack of ability is making you a bit unreasonable. Perhaps we should just go inside. |
| WOMAN: |
You go inside! I'm staying out here for a minute or two. Call everyone and tell them we are closed for the day. Think up some kind of excuse. I'm sure you can think of something absolutely brilliant. |
| MAN: |
Thank you. (exits) |
| WOMAN: |
(to hole) I knew we shouldn't have done this! I told him to cover it over! Now look what's happening! The garden is ruined. I can't even have real flowers because people keep trampling them. He won't listen, you won't help me, and I don't know what to do. |
| MAN: |
(enters with shovels in hand) I've got it! I know what we can do! |
| WOMAN: |
About what? |
| MAN: |
Let's dig the hole deeper! It might be like a well. Maybe we just had a trickle of whatever it is and if we dig a little, we'll hit the motherlode. |
| WOMAN: |
Sounds sensible. Did you just think that up? |
| MAN: |
Well, I thought of it a few minutes ago. It came to me when I saw the shovels leaned up against the side of the house. |
| WOMAN: |
You mean ... |
| MAN: |
Yeah, I'm back to fantasy football and brews. |
| WOMAN: |
I'm sorry about that. |
| MAN: |
That I'm back? Yeah, I guess I'd be sorry too. |
| WOMAN: |
No, I'm sorry about what I said. I just ... got jealous, and you know what it feels like when you have that talent. It's like a high. It hurt me to see that you had it and I didn't. It blinded me to my feelings and made me forget what we are doing here. |
| MAN: |
Making money? |
| WOMAN: |
No, improving lives! |
| MAN: |
But you aren't opposed to the making money part. |
| WOMAN: |
Oh, not at all. |
| MAN: |
Anyway, like I said, I think we ought to take today to dig the hole out even deeper. It might solve that whole potency problem. |
| WOMAN: |
And we could get more people in and out each time. |
| MAN: |
Good point. (HE hands HER a shovel) Let's get to work. |
| (THEY enter the hole. Dirt starts to fly out of the top. Lighting indicates that the sun travels across the sky. They have shoveled all day, and now it is evening. THEY exit.) |
| WOMAN: |
That was tough work. |
| MAN: |
Huh? |
| WOMAN: |
I said, that was tough work. You know, shoveling, what we just did all day. |
| MAN: |
Oh, uh, sure. I guess. |
| WOMAN: |
(smiles) Hey knucklehead, you want some dinner? |
| MAN: |
Like food? |
| WOMAN: |
Of course like food. What's wrong with you? |
| MAN: |
Nothing, what's wrong with you? |
| WOMAN: |
What a stupid question. Let's go out to dinner. I'll go change and then we'll go out, okay? |
| MAN: |
Okay. Let's go. |
| WOMAN: |
No, I'm going to change first. You look okay. I don't. Wait here. |
| MAN: |
You will wait while I go change. |
| WOMAN: |
No, YOU wait! Is this a Monty Python thing? You know I don't watch those movies. Wait here. (SHE exits. HE throws a rock, picks it up, and throws it again repeatedly until she enters, wearing all brown.) |
| MAN: |
You look like cocoa. |
| WOMAN: |
I feel funny. None of my clothes were right. |
| MAN: |
You look kind of plain. Hershey's with no nuts. |
| WOMAN: |
I think we have gone nuts. |
| MAN: |
(sings) Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't ... |
| WOMAN: |
That jingle is so dumb. Dumb! That must be it! You've become dumb and I'm plain! We are the opposites of what we wished to be! |
| MAN: |
(sings) Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener ... (HE continues to sing) |
| WOMAN: |
We broke the hole somehow, by digging! Oh God, we've ruined it! What have we done? |
| MAN: |
(sings)Everyone would be in loooove with meeeeee! |
| WOMAN: |
(grips MAN by the shoulders) Shut up! Listen! I've lost my creativity, and you've lost your intellect. Since you dug deeper than I did, you must have gotten more of it or something. It should wear off, just like the other times, but I'm not sure. I wish I could think up a way out of this mess, but my mind's a total blank. |
| MAN: |
Digging is fun. (HE digs into the pile they have just created and puts some back into the hole.) |
| WOMAN: |
What do you think you are doing? |
| MAN: |
I dunno. Digging. |
| WOMAN: |
That's not digging. That's un-digging. Covering up. |
| MAN: |
Well, I want to. |
| WOMAN: |
You know, I think you're right on the money here. I think we're going to have to fill it in. |
| MAN: |
Fill in the hole? No! |
| WOMAN: |
We have to. It's dangerous now. It's messed up and doesn't work the right way. |
| MAN: |
Huh-uh. |
| WOMAN: |
You aren't thinking straight. Look what it did to us. We're pretty harmless, but what if someone really mean went in there? Or unstable? |
| MAN: |
We decided right from the start that my mom was not allowed down there. |
| WOMAN: |
I'm not talking about your mother, I mean anyone. It's hazardous, and we have to fill it in. |
| MAN: |
All our nice things ... |
| WOMAN: |
I know, we'll have to go back to working. We ruined it. |
| (MAN and WOMAN start filling in the hole and removing all of the ropes, etc. from the yard.) |
| MAN: |
I guess we knew it might come to this. |
| WOMAN: |
Well you must be feeling better. I thought this might happen all along. |
| MAN: |
Well then why didn't you say something? |
| MAN: |
Yes, I was. I was. |
| WOMAN: |
It was kind of like being a superhero for a little while. |
| MAN: |
Saving the world with abstract oil paintings! |
| WOMAN: |
All right, you know what I mean. |
| MAN: |
Have you tried to paint since then? |
| WOMAN: |
No. I'm just thankful that I'm matching up clothes again. |
| MAN: |
And I'm speaking in complete non-jingle sentences. |
| (Beat.) |
| So I suppose there is a lesson to be learned here about valuing yourself or hard work or something like that? |
| WOMAN: |
I guess. |
| MAN: |
Maybe the lesson is not to be greedy. |
| WOMAN: |
Maybe it's to keep filling in the hole. Less yappin,' more diggin,' pal. |
| MAN: |
I wonder why the last person that found it didn't fill it in. |
| WOMAN: |
Maybe they wanted to come back to it later, and never did. |
| MAN: |
Maybe they forgot where it was. |
| WOMAN: |
Maybe they though that nobody in his right mind would go down a big hole in his flowerbed! |
| MAN: |
That's true. (beat.) |
| WOMAN: |
It has changed our lives, though. |
| MAN: |
We can retire on what we made here. |
| WOMAN: |
I'm going to have to call Oprah and tell her I just can't do the show anymore. |
| MAN: |
Oh, go anyway. |
| WOMAN: |
How can I? We've filled in the hole! Even if the hole was still open, you know we couldn't send anyone down there! Who knows what they would become! The whole press tour will have to go. |
| MAN: |
Oh geez, I'll have to see if I can cancel the new merchandise order! It put it in a few days ago. It's already personalized by now. |
| WOMAN: |
There goes all of the profit right there. |
| MAN: |
We could try to sell it on Ebay ... |
| WOMAN: |
Although Ebay is a depository for worthless items, who would possibly want to buy a keychain with a picture of our yard on it? |
| MAN: |
I never thought they'd sell in the first place. |
| WOMAN: |
Are you still going to try and go on "Jeopardy?" |
| MAN: |
I'd just humiliate myself. Once they found out about the hole, I bet I'd get disqualified anyway. Performance enhancement. |
| WOMAN: |
Please, those little nerdy nerds have to have some secret technique they use on that show. |
| MAN: |
They call it ... studying. |
| (Beat.) |
| WOMAN: |
That's about it. (pats the top of the dirt pile with her shovel) It's gone. |
| MAN: |
Except ... we just made a new hole. |
| WOMAN: |
No. |
| MAN: |
But what if ... |
| WOMAN: |
No! |
| MAN: |
This could be a huge new chance ... |
| WOMAN: |
Go get the car keys. We are going to buy bags of dirt and fill it all in forever. |
| MAN: |
You aren't even a little curious? |
| WOMAN: |
Nope. |
| MAN: |
Not even an eensie-teensie bit? |
| WOMAN: |
NO. Please go get the car. |
| MAN: |
Okay, okay. (HE exits) |
| WOMAN: |
I'm just glad this is all over. (looks into new hole) New hole. I bet you are just a hole in the ground, aren't you? (looks closer) I'm sure you are. Right? Right. (SHE exits.) |
| | After a moment of silence, then MAIL CARRIER enters. S/He is looking into the mail sack and not watching where s/he is going. S/He falls into the new hole with a shout. After a moment, the mail sack come flying out, followed by the mail carrier, who has climbed to the surface. S/He stands up and looks around. Everything appears normal. S/He dusts off and reaches for the mail sack, trips, but instead of falling, begins to levitate. With a few pumps of the arm, s/he is about three feet off the ground. S/He does a few small somersaults or spins and glides OS.) |