CONSTANCE — Middle-aged, artificial, expensively dressed, black dress, fur coat, purse, jewelry.

WAITER — Tonio - (non-speaking role, wears blank mask) — attractive body, close-fitting trousers.

HELEN — (does not appear)

(Enters R — Crosses C, checking out patrons [audience] with smile. Indicates banquette.)Yes, this will be fine, Tonio.

(Turns back to WAITER. He removes her fur, drapes it over back of banquette as she slides onto seat. Waiter exits L.)

(She extracts compact, studies herself, scoots into “better light,” peers at her various angles.)

(She speaks to herself) Bless you, Georgie. Only you can tint, curl, daub, paint, tweeze, shape and caulk for an entire morning and manage to bring out my “natural” beauty for all the world to see.

(She starts to pat her hair.) No, damn it. Don’t tamper with perfection. (Puts compact away. turns attention to the “patrons” in the lounge.)

Oh, I forgot to order, didn’t I? (Coy) But you know what I like, don’t you Tonio? You’re always so attentive.

(Smiles…receives no response.)

Have Sammy mix me another, will you? I’m expecting a friend any minute now.

(Sips as Waiter exits L. She looks L--smiles, waves, calls…)

Sammy, you are such a jewel…divine martini!

(Smile fades, arm lowers.)

Guess he didn’t see me.

(Sips again, glances at fur, looks around furtively, flips back fold to show chic label.)

I can’t imagine what’s keeping my friend.

(Downs first drink, offers empty glass.)

You might as well take this, and bring two fresh ones. Wouldn’t want this to get warm, would we?

(Light laugh, which fades with no response. Watches WAITER’s butt as he exits L. Shrugs. Takes cigarette and holder from purse. Inserts into holder…strokes absently throughout rest of play.)

(She looks R, brings eyeglasses from purse, peers through, unopened, then scurries them away ­ arm waves, bracelets jangle - calls)

Helen! Here I am, dear. Over here. Come sit down.

(Unseen HELEN “enters,” R, “sits” as CONSTANCE leans toward her for “air kisses.”)

I’m so glad to SEE you. It’s been simply AGES. I just got here myself, just this very minute. I’ve ordered “martoonies” for each of us. I thought we’d be just the littlest bit daring, we two girls alone. How are you feeling, you poor darling? Wait! Stop! You mustn’t say a word! Not yet.

You must have a tiny sip of your drinky-poo first. It will relax you. Then you can tell sister-Constance all about…

(Turns to Helen)

What? Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it’s no problem, dear. Waiter? I made a boo-boo. My friend here doesn’t care for martinis. Would you bring her a…. (To Helen) What would you like?

(Strained smile, then, to WAITER)

A pink (pause) grasshopper.

(To Helen) Oh, yes, it sounds…divine!

(To WAITER) No, that’s all right, waiter.

Leave the other martini, too. It was my faux pas, so I’ll have to take responsibility for it. Yes, I’m positive…Yes! Thank you. (To Helen) What a pretty dress, Helen. Such an unusual shade of…khaki, isn’t it? Oh…blue. Must be the dreadful lighting in here. Well, it’s pretty anyway. Similar to one I had many seasons ago…and it goes so nicely with your…wool coat. You are so practical. (Strokes her fur.) I’m always afraid someone will steal the fur right off my back.

(Takes hefty swig of martini.)

I must say that I’m a bit peeved at you. I’ve called you simply hundreds of times and you’re never home! You mother must be getting absolutely sick of hearing my voice…and you never return my calls!

(Pats Helen’s “hand.”)

Of course I understand how incredibly embarrassed you must be about the whole thing, and the absolute hell you must be going through, but for me to have to hear all the grisly, details from friends and friends-of-friends.

(Pause)

Oh, come now. You must know that everyone’s talking about it…and that simply everyone is pitying you terribly… I mean, for you not to tell me yourself, when we’ve been like sisters since I was a girl, well…

Well, now, here’s your…drink, Helen. Down the hatch.

(Downs drink, pulls other toward her…giggles.)

Now, you see what I mean about lighting. That…concoction looks absolutely bilious! Doesn’t it? Ha-ha-ha. (Sip) But this place is lovely, don’t you think?

(Pause.)

Oh, no. I’ve never been here before either, but I hear its clientele is the corps d’elite. Top corporate execs, mostly. Which is why I wanted to meet you here…no chance of seeing anyone you’d know. Now, tell sister Constance everything. Have you gotten yourself a good divorce lawyer? If not, my man is absolute….

(Stunned pause.)

Trial SEPARATION? Are you MAD? Darling, if you’ve agreed to that, you’re insane!

(Looks closely at “Helen.”)

How old are you, Helen? Thirty-five, thirty-six?

(Pause)

Twenty-seven, then. Well, if you give him the freedom of a separation, “sans argent,” you’ll be sitting alone until you’re older than I…care to think about.

(Pause. Drink deeply.)

True, divorce is an ugly word. So plebian. I prefer “severance,” myself. But, whatever, it must be prepared for.

(Reaches for purse, removes cards.)

Now I’ve done some of the work for you.

(Hands one card.)

This is for my lawyer, divine man, and so handsome. And this...

(Hands another card.)

...my gorgeous private detective.

(Drains glass while waving for WAITER.)

Another martini, Ton… waiter.

(Looks toward “Helen.")

Of course you need a detective, Helen. Don’t be naïve. You need someone to get the proof on the bastard…oh, excuse me, dear. But you know what I mean. The way that Robert of yours has been carrying on with every little chippy…. And that so-called secretary of his…. Ha!

(Stares at “Helen,” mouth agape.)

But you must have seen them carrying on at Gladys’s New Year’s party! He was groping her ass the whole evening! Everyone was embarrassed to tears for you. You must have noticed! The nerve! Playing with that…teenager, while his darling, mature wife was in the same room. He acted like my second husband, Charles, before we were married. Every thought he had seemed to rise up from between his two big toes. Then, after he moved in with me he might as well have been taking sitz baths in the Arctic the way he shrank away. I thought maybe he was a fruitcake, but he has three kids now, so I guess not. I just must have been too much woman for him. But I made him pay all right! And so should you!

(Realizing she’s talking too much, toys with cigarette holder, thoughtful.)

Believe me, darling, you must think seriously about divorce for your own sake. If you unleash him among all those loose-legged bitches, you’ll not only lose him for good, but you won’t have anything to show for it. Dump him now! Properly! And you can make him pay through the gonads!

(Pause, listening.)

You’re Catholic? Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t know. What about it? You’ve been married what? Six years? I don’t hear the patter of tiny little Catholic feet, do I? A little population control, maybe?

Anyway, Catholics, American ones, don’t pay any attention to that nonsense any more. Now they divorce like normal people.

Oh, did I order this? Dear me, I really shouldn’t have.

(To Helen.)

I never drink more than two…that’s my absolute limit.

(WAITER reaches for glass; Constance grabs it away.)

But, since it’s here already….

Thank you sweetie.

(Sips)

You married so young; the thought of being single must be terrifying. Believe me, darling, it’s not. It’s marvelous. You can do what…and who…you want.

(Broad wink.)

And the best part is that your ex- has to pay for it. Last year when I went to Reno with Marian Brenner to show her the ropes, we had an absolute ball. The men there are so virile!

I might even say that the best part of marriage is a Reno divorce. Really! Of course you have to be careful with those men…some of those son-of-bitches are real fuckers! Oh, my, (giggle) did I say that? My goodness, that second martooni must have effected my tongue. Pardonez-moi.

(Fans herself with purse, sips.)

A touch warm in here, isn’t it? Thank goodness for iced drinks. Of course I am wearing a woolen dress. Do you like it? A man I was seeing told me that black is my color. I should never wear anything else….

(Obviously getting no response.)

Now, getting back to your divorce…pardon me, “severance.” One thing you must insist upon is keeping your apartment. Never surrender where you live. I’ve kept mine through all my divorces. When the breakup comes, like now, they have to leave, not you. It’s your security blanket. Your turf, not his.

(Listens to “Helen” for a moment.)

What nonsense! You MUST think in terms of divorce. You want to sit home alone while he sticks it to every bimbo in town?

(Looks away, exasperated, then back, slack-jawed.)

He can’t stand your mother? That’s why you’re having problems?

(“Embarrassed” pause.)

Oh, forgive me, dear. I thought you’d found out about all his pussy-footing around.

(Wide-eyed.)

Why, it’s practically on the six-o'clock news. You poor innocent child. This must be a dreadful shock. I feel awful. Tell you what: let’s just forget I said anything, OK? Let’s just have another drink and talk about something else.

Pause…look of incredulous indignation.)

It’s NOT all hearsay! I hate to say it, being as sensitive to your feelings as I am, but for your own sake I feel I must. Remember the New Year’s party? How crowded and noisy it became? Well, at one point I left to get my cigarette holder from the bedroom where I’d left my purse…not that I smoke, but I find it’s helpful to stress a point during a conversation…anyway, I slipped into the bedroom and bent down to scuffle among the coats when someone grabbed me from behind and rubbed himself against me. I’m sorry to say…it was Robert. He pushed me down and practically smothered me with Catherine Gold’s Blackglama,mink,whle trying to be…intimate with me. I’m terribly embarrassed to tell you this, Helen. It was the most horrif….

(Pause)

What’s so funny? Control yourself, people are looking. Are you hysterical? Are you laughing or crying?

(Watches “Helen” rise and XR toward exit.)

Where are you going? No, don’t leave. I haven’t finished. Have one more drink, then. Helen? Please? I’ll call you.

(Looks at Tonio.)

On the house? Why, yes. I believe I will. Thank you.

(Aside.)

Might as well. I have nothing better to do.