| THE SCENE: |
An airport departure lounge. The board behind
the customer service desk indicates flight 191 to Seattle.
Numerous seats are present.
(GATE AGENT stands at the customer service desk absorbed
with a computer monitor and keyboard in front of her.
BUSINESSWOMAN approaches the customer service desk. GATE
AGENT ignores BUSINESSWOMAN for several moments. Finally
BUSINESSWOMAN speaks.) |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
(Politely.) Excuse me... |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Cheerfully.) Certainly, dear, you're excused. |
| (GATE AGENT returns her attention to the computer monitor.
BUSINESSWOMAN tries several ways of getting GATE AGENT's
attention, clearing her throat, waving, staring at her, all
to no avail. Finally BUSINESSWOMAN gives up, turns her back
and leans against the customer service desk. GATE AGENT
immediately speaks.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Good afternoon. May I help you? |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
Yes, I'm checking in for flight 191. |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not checking in flight 191
yet. I'm checking in flight 1097 to Poughkeepsie. |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
But your sign says flight 191 to Seattle. |
| GATE AGENT: |
Well, dear, that's posted by a computer, and
what do they know? Now, why don't you have a seat, and I'll
make an announcement when I'm ready to check you in. |
| (BUSINESSWOMAN adopts a disgusted attitude and takes one of
the seats. She takes out a cell phone and begins using it.
COLLEGE STUDENT approaches the customer service desk.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Good afternoon. May I help you? |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
(Shyly.) Flight 191? |
| GATE AGENT: |
Yes, dear, it is. That's a nice sweatshirt.
Are you a student at Monstrous State University? |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
Uh, yes, I am. |
| GATE AGENT: |
And you're going home for the holidays? |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
Yes, and I'm really nervous. I've never
flown anywhere before. |
| (GATE AGENT pats COLLEGE STUDENT on the shoulder
reassuringly.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Don't you worry, we'll take good care of you.
May I have your ticket? |
| (COLLEGE STUDENT opens her book and removes her ticket from
it.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, what's that you're reading? Something for
a literature class? |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
Uh, no, not exactly... |
| GATE AGENT: |
Maybe some independent study? |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
No, not that either... |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, extra reading on your own. That's very
commendable. |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
Well, not exactly. It's the latest novel
by Danielle Nickel. |
| GATE AGENT: |
Ooh, I just love her books. What's the title? |
| (GATE AGENT reaches for the book. BEARDED MAN walks up and
stands behind COLLEGE STUDENT.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Naked Came the Pizza Boy. Just what kind of
book is this, young lady? |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
Well, it's a book about... |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Interrupting.) And you're taking this home
with you? Does your mother know you're reading this sort of
trash? |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
I don't know, I mean, why... |
| (BUSINESSMAN walks up and stands behind BEARDED MAN.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
You go right to the end of the line, young
lady, and you stay there until I tell you otherwise! You
should be ashamed of yourself. |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
But... |
| GATE AGENT: |
None of your sass, young lady, or there'll be
no meal service for you! |
| COLLEGE STUDENT: |
But... |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Pointing.) Go! |
| (COLLEGE STUDENT, in a state of confusion, slowly walks to
the end of the line and stands behind BUSINESSMAN.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Good afternoon. May I help you? |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Good afternoon. |
| (BEARDED MAN hands a ticket to GATE AGENT.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Finally, a polite customer! I appreciate that! |
| (GATE AGENT types for a few moments on the computer
keyboard.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
May I see your picture identification, please? |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Certainly. |
| (BEARDED MAN reaches in his back pocket, extracts a wallet
and flips it open, displaying his driver's license to GATE
AGENT.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, that's a very nice picture. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Thank you. |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, yes, you look very handsome in that
picture. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
You're too kind. Thank you. |
| GATE AGENT: |
But it doesn't look like you. |
| (BEARDED MAN looks at the picture.) |
| BEARDED MAN: |
What do you mean, it doesn't look like me? |
| GATE AGENT: |
Well, the man in this picture doesn't have a
beard. It can't be your picture. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
But this picture was taken two years ago!
I've grown the beard since I got the license. |
| GATE AGENT: |
You should know better! You shouldn't have
grown that beard if you don't have one on your
identification. Why on earth you'd want a beard is beyond
me anyway. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
It's my business if I want to have a beard!
Maybe I just don't want to shave. |
| GATE AGENT: |
My late husband shaved every day of his life!
If it was good enough for him, it's good enough for you!
Now, go away and don't come back until you've shaved and
look like this picture! |
| BEARDED MAN: |
But... |
| GATE AGENT: |
Now! Before I call security! |
| (BEARDED MAN holds his hand out to GATE AGENT, palm up.) |
| BEARDED MAN: |
May I have my ticket back, please? |
| GATE AGENT: |
How do I know it's really your ticket, eh? |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Because I just handed it to you! |
| (GATE AGENT reaches under the desk.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
I'm calling security! |
| BEARDED MAN: |
(Surrendering.) All right! All right! |
| (BEARDED MAN exits. GATE AGENT straightens up, smiling
brightly.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Good afternoon. May I help you? |
| BUSINESSMAN: |
Checking in for flight 191. |
| GATE AGENT: |
May I have your ticket, please? |
| BUSINESSMAN: |
I have an e-ticket. |
| GATE AGENT: |
A what? |
| BUSINESSMAN: |
An e-ticket. |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Laughs.) What in Heaven's name is an e-
ticket? |
| BUSINESSMAN: |
A paperless ticket! You just look me up on
your computer and check me in. |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Mockingly.) Oh, I see! |
| (GATE AGENT types for an extended interval on the keyboard.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
All right, you're all checked in. |
| BUSINESSMAN: |
What about my boarding pass? |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, that's all taken care of. |
| BUSINESSMAN: |
But what will I use to board the plane? |
| GATE AGENT: |
You have an e-ticket, so I gave you an e-
boarding pass. |
| BUSINESSMAN: |
What? |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Suddenly stern.) I don't know what sort of
stunt you're trying to pull, but I didn't just fall off the
turnip truck, buster! Now, get out of here and don't come
back without a ticket! |
| (BUSINESSMAN, visibly steaming, stalks off. COLLEGE STUDENT
approaches the desk again. BEARDED MAN, now completely
clean-shaven, walks up behind her. BUSINESSWOMAN puts away
her cell phone, rises from her seat and stands behind
BEARDED MAN.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Sharply.) Didn't I tell you to go to the back
of the line? Now go! |
| (COLLEGE STUDENT scurries to cower behind BUSINESSWOMAN.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, you shaved! Such a good boy. Don't you
just look so handsome! I could just eat you up! Num, num,
num! |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Would you please just check me in? |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, I can't do that. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Why not? |
| GATE AGENT: |
Because you're not dressed appropriately. Now,
if you'll just go and put on some nicer clothes... |
| (BEARDED MAN opens his case, takes out a dinner jacket and
puts it on.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Why, that's much better! Now, you see, it
doesn't take very much extra effort to be well-groomed. How
many carry-ons? |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Just my suitcase. |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't let you take it on. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
What's the problem? It'll fit under the seat. |
| GATE AGENT: |
That may be so, but you don't have the correct
number of carry-ons. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Of course I do. I know the rules. I can have
a carry-on bag and a briefcase. |
| GATE AGENT: |
Yes, but you don't have a briefcase, now do
you. Just the suitcase. Now, either return to the ticket
counter and check your suitcase, or go buy a briefcase.
Otherwise, I can't allow you on the plane. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
You're out of your mind! |
| GATE AGENT: |
You're entitled to your opinion. Are you a
psychiatrist? |
| BEARDED MAN: |
Of course not! |
| GATE AGENT: |
Then I'm afraid your opinion isn't worth
diddly-squat, fella. You'll have to check your bag. |
| (BEARDED MAN turns and heaves the suitcase offstage, to a
great deal of clatter, possibly an offstage cry of pain,
then turns back to GATE AGENT.) |
| BEARDED MAN: |
(Exasperated.) Now, will you please check me
in for my flight? |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Unruffled.) Why, certainly, sir. First I
have ask you some security questions. Have your bags been
out of your possession at any time since you packed them? |
| BEARDED MAN: |
I don't have a bag anymore! |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, so you don't. Then, may I have your
ticket, please? |
| BEARDED MAN: |
(Shouting.) I don't have my ticket, either! |
| GATE AGENT: |
Well, I certainly can't check you in without a
ticket. |
| BEARDED MAN: |
I gave it to you! |
| GATE AGENT: |
If you had given it to me, I'd have it,
wouldn't I? Now please step aside, or I'll have to call
security. |
| (BEARDED MAN storms off.) |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
I insist that you check me in for my flight.
It's nearly departure time. |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, you insist, do you? Think you can come in
here and just boss everyone around? Well, just let me tell
you a thing or two, little miss... |
| (BUSINESSWOMAN opens her purse.) |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
(Conspiratorially.) What will it take to
get you to check me in? |
| GATE AGENT: |
Ask me nicely. |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
That's it? Just ask you nicely? |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Smiles smugly and nods.) Just say "Please." |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
Say "Please?" |
| GATE AGENT: |
That's all! After all, I'm not an unreasonable
person. |
| (BUSINESSWOMAN closes her purse, straightens up, and takes a
deep breath.) |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
Ma'am, would you please be so very, very
kind as to check me in for my flight? |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Beams.) Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?
May I have your ticket? |
| (BUSINESSWOMAN hands her ticket to GATE AGENT. GATE AGENT
types on her keyboard for a few seconds.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Would you like to pick a seat? |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
Aisle, please. |
| GATE AGENT: |
You need to be more specific, dear. |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
What do you mean, more specific? |
| GATE AGENT: |
You need to pick a specific seat. |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
(Humoring GATE AGENT.) Oh, all right, 16D. |
| GATE AGENT: |
I'm sorry, that one's taken. Try again. |
| BUSINESSWOMAN: |
Listen, just what are you trying to do? |
| GATE AGENT: |
Oh, it's just a little game I play with the
customers. You guess until you find an empty seat, and
then... |
| (SUPERVISOR walks up, flanked by BEARDED MAN, who has
retrieved his suitcase, and BUSINESSMAN.) |
| SUPERVISOR: |
What's going on here? (Sighs.) So, it's you
again, is it? |
| GATE AGENT: |
I beg your pardon? |
| SUPERVISOR: |
(Addressing passengers.) Folks, I'm sorry
about this, but Mrs. Shellfinkle, here, is an impostor.
Every couple of weeks, she shows up here and tries to play
gate attendant. Now, please proceed to gate 37 in the C
concourse. Flight 191 leaves from gate 37C. (Beckons to
GATE AGENT.) You come with me. |
| (GATE AGENT looks totally bewildered. The passengers all
exit, grumbling. BEARDED MAN retrieves his ticket from the
desk. Several of the passengers look sharply at GATE AGENT,
who eventually looks to be on the verge of tears.
SUPERVISOR and GATE AGENT watch them leave. When all are
gone, GATE AGENT immediately brightens.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
(Brisk and businesslike.) Thanks, Charlie,
they were starting to get pretty rowdy. A real tough bunch.
I thought they'd never go away! |
| SUPERVISOR: |
No problem, Agatha, always glad to help. You
ready for coffee break? |
| GATE AGENT: |
I sure am! (Beat.) By the way, Charlie, I
don't think you've ever told me - what really leaves from
gate 37C? |
| SUPERVISOR: |
The shuttle bus to Concourse D. |
| (GATE AGENT nods to indicate understanding. SUPERVISOR and
GATE AGENT begin to exit, then SUPERVISOR stops and holds up
his finger in a "wait" gesture.) |
| SUPERVISOR: |
I almost forgot! |
| (SUPERVISOR walks back to the customer service desk and
picks up a microphone. His voice subsequently is heard over
a public address system.) |
| SUPERVISOR: |
Attention in the terminal. Flight 191, service
to Seattle, has been canceled. All passengers please
proceed to a ticket agent for rebooking. |
| (As SUPERVISOR and GATE AGENT exit, the following exchange
takes place.) |
| GATE AGENT: |
Charlie? |
| SUPERVISOR: |
Yes, Agatha? |
| GATE AGENT: |
I don't think we have a Concourse D. |
| (Beat.) |
| SUPERVISOR: |
You know, now that you mention it, I believe
you're right! |
| (Blackout.) |
