flashquake Plays - Line! by Jefferson Moody

flashquake
Line!
by Jefferson Moody

(There's simply a chair on stage for the player to use however suits his needs. Player walks on to stage. He's of noble stature. Sir Lawrence Olivier-esque. He looks off, above the audience's head. He poses in a couple different positions, holding each pose for several beats. Before he speaks, he should be on stage at least thirty seconds. He takes a deep breath.)

PLAYER: Line!

(Stage manager walks to edge of stage with script.)

STAGE MANAGER (Bored--monotone): To be or not to be.

PLAYER: Yes. That's right. Thank you.

(Stage manager walks off and sits down. The Player repeats pretty much what he did when he walked on. Deep breath.)

PLAYER (continuing): Line!

STAGE MANAGER (bored--monotone): To be or not to be.

PLAYER: Could you speak louder, Bob?

(Stage manager yells from seat.)

STAGE MANAGER: For Christ's sake.

PLAYER: Really? I thought it was different than that.

STAGE MANAGER: To be or not to be.

PLAYER: To be or not to be?

STAGE MANAGER: To be or not to be.
(mutters)
For Christ's sake.

PLAYER: Yes. That's it. Thank you.

STAGE MANAGER: You're welcome.

PLAYER: Don't mention it.

STAGE MANAGER: May we continue?

PLAYER: Let's.

(Player prepares self again, pausing, posing, deep breath.)

PLAYER: For Christ's sake!

STAGE MANAGER: Jesus!

PLAYER: For Jesus' sake!

(Stage Manager stands up and throws the script down. He's furious. )

STAGE MANAGER: I can't do this any more.

PLAYER: What's the problem, Bob?

STAGE MANAGER: Have you no pride? No dignity? Are you going to destroy the entire play with your idiocy?

PLAYER: I don't really see the problem. It's not like it's Shakespeare or anything.

STAGE MANAGER (flabbergasted): But it is Shakespeare! What the hell is wrong you?

PLAYER: It is Shakespeare?

STAGE MANAGER: Oh, my angina.

(Stage Manager grabs his chest. He has trouble breathing.)

PLAYER: Are you sure about this being Shakespeare?

(Stage Manager falls to one knee. He's going down.)

STAGE MANAGER (Screams): Yes. I'm sure!
(Suddenly looks at sky)
Betty. I'm coming to join you, Betty.

(Player watches Stage Manager fall onto his back. Stage Manager jerks spasmodically, and dies. Player stares at Bob for several beats.)

PLAYER: That was quite impressive. Really, Bob. Terrific.

(beat)

Now where was I? Yes. I know. To be or not to be. That is the question. It is nobler to--It is nobler to--Damn. Line!

(Lights Out)