flashquake Plays - Better Days by Jefferson Moody

flashquake
Better Days
by Jefferson Moody

Characters:

Roy: A bum of indescriminate age.

Zeus: God of Heaven and Earth

Hera: Zeus' Consort

(A curb side. Roy, a disheveled bum holding a paper bag wrapped around a bottle of 20/20 talks to another disheveled bum, Zeus.)

ROY: Let me get this straight, Zeus.

ZEUS: Roy, you going to drink that whole bottle?

(Roy hands Zeus the bottle and Zeus drinks.)

ROY: You killed your old man, married your sister, and then slept with every wood nymph in the forest.

ZEUS: Roy, those were the good old days.

(Roy shakes his head. He takes out a pack of cigarettes, puts one in his mouth, and begins to light it.)

ZEUS (continuing): You gotta an extra butt?

ROY: Yeah. What of it?

ZEUS: Come on, Man. I'm good for it.

ROY: The patricidal adulterer is good for it.

ZEUS: If you're gonna get all high and mighty on me--

ROY: Here.

(Roy gives Zeus a cigarette.)

ZEUS: I didn't kill my father. I just kicked him off the estate.

ROY: Oh. Well, that's not so bad.

ZEUS: Hey, my granddad castrated his father.

ROY: Cut off his nuts?

ZEUS: You betcha.

ROY: That's not right, Man.

ZEUS: Yeah. Well.

ROY: Married his sister too, I suppose.

ZEUS: Family tradition.

ROY: You must be some inbred bastards.

ZEUS: My uncles all have one eye. Some have multiple hands.

ROY: Nasty.

ZEUS: You ever walk into a store and ask for fifty pairs of gloves, size 8?

ROY: Tough going.

ZEUS: Try finding monocles these days.

ROY: My father used to beat me senseless, but I never did anything about it.

ZEUS: You should have.

ROY: He was a mean mother.

ZEUS: I hate it when they threaten to eat you.

ROY: You mean "beat" you.

ZEUS: "Eat" you.

ROY: Man, you're messed up.

ZEUS: Yeah, some times I don't act right.

ROY: I shoulda kicked my father's ass.

ZEUS: Damn right.

ROY (hops up.): I'm thinking about going and giving him what for.

ZEUS: You ought to.

ROY (takes bottle back from Zeus): Soon as I'm done with this bottle.

ZEUS: There ya go.

(Roy drinks from bottle.)

ZEUS (continuing; Notices something off stage.): Aw geeze.

ROY: What?

(Hera walks on.)

HERA (To Zeus): What the hell do you think you're doing?

ZEUS: Hera, I was just--

HERA: You were just sitting on your lazy ass consorting with a mortal.

ROY: Hey!

HERA: What? You're not a mortal?

ROY: I'm a man of few means, a gentleman of the street. But mortal. Tha's--Hey, who the hell--

HERA: I'm his wife.

ROY: His sister?

HERA (to Zeus): Does everybody have to know? I mean, do you have to keep reminding people?

ZEUS: People forget.

HERA: And that's a good thing. It's embarrassing.

ROY: Listen, you two have a nice day. Keep the wine, Zeus.

HERA: Are you Bacchus?

ROY: No, I'm Roy.

ZEUS: Hey, Roy. Why don't you join us for dinner?

ROY: Really?

ZEUS: Can he, Honey? Please?

HERA: But he's a mortal.

ROY: It's okay. Really.

(Pulls out crushed package of crackers.)

I got dinner right here.

HERA (softening): Aw geeze. You got any special skills, Mortal?

ROY: It's Roy.

HERA: You got any special skills, Roy?

ROY: I can rebuild a carburetor on a Chevy.

ZEUS: Really? Hera's Mercury is giving her some problems.

ROY: I could give it a look.

ZEUS: What you say, Honey?

HERA: I guess mortals are good for some things. Don't be late.

(Hera walks off.)

ROY: Man.

ZEUS: I don't want to talk about it.

ROY: She's no wood nymph. That's for sure.

(They get up and begin to exit.)

ZEUS: Speaking of wood nymphs...I know this place we can go after dinner.

ROY: Really?

(Two exit stage)